Girl Talk and boy talk
by finmagik
Summary: What happens when Various Doctors and their companions get together in wood? Read and find out. Crackfic.


-1It was odd concatenation of circumstances that brought four the Doctor's many incarnations together in a wood on a distant planet. The Tenth Doctor was just so excited to see his past incarnations he was frisking about each them like terrier and grinning wildly. The Fourth Doctor had been rather blasé about it, smiling his madman's grin and handing out jelly-babies. The Fifth Doctor looked rather bemused at his other incarnations. And the Sixth Doctor had crossed his arms and put on an expression of infinite superiority.

Meanwhile nearby their companions drifted out from the Tardis' and began to gather themselves in a grove.

"Hi, I'm Rose Tyler."

"Tegan Jovanka."

"Peri."

"I'm Romana."

They shook hands awkwardly and stared at each other, then up at the hillside where the Doctors were chatting seriously about something. Each one had small metal object in his hands. Expect Five.

"Their comparing sonic screwdrivers," Rose said.

"They look so solemn like their discussing the fate of the world or something," Peri said.

"They might as well unzip their trousers and compare dicks," Romana said.

There was a burst of nervous giggles from all around.

"Oooh, my Doctor hasn't got one no wonder he looks so sad," Tegan said.

"He hasn't got a dick?" Rose asked.

There was more giggling.

"No! A sonic screwdriver," Tegan said. "His got broken by a Terileptil."

"Oh," Rose said.

"He's got a dick alright," Tegan said. "I should know I was sucking on it this morning."

Peri giggled and said: "Does his stuff taste like cloves and soap too?"

"Yes, that's normal for a time-lord" Romana said.

"I wouldn't know I don't keep in my mouth long enough," Tegan said.

"Wait-- You've blown the Doctor?" Rose said looking to each of them with expression of horror.

Tegan, Romana and Peri all nodded.

"Only when I feel like it," Tegan said. "When were alone."

"Regular as clockwork, I like the little noises he makes" Peri said.

"In the control room, my room, his room, Paris, That chamber in the leisure hive, oh and whenever someone locks alone in a cell together," Romana said. "It usually passes the time as we figure out how to get out of there."

"I only snogged him when I was possessed." Rose sighed. "I've never even seen without his bloody shirt on."

"Well, sometimes he can be pretty clueless, I spent weeks waggling my ass in his face before he got it," Peri said.

"Mine didn't even get it when I 'accidentally' wandered in his room in nothing but a robe!" Tegan Said. "He thought I was lost looking for kitchen! The look on his face when I dropped that robe was priceless!"

"Mine knew all along. He lured me into an empty room and seduced me." Romana said.

"What's he like--- I mean in bed like?" Rose asked, her tone tinged with jealousy.

"Once you get him started he's shagging machine," Tegan said with relish. "We've done until my legs turned to jelly."

"This one time well… it was…needless to say I couldn't walk properly for a day," Peri said.

"I like when he extends a minute's pleasure into an hour," Romana said. "And when I get to tie him up with that scarf."

"You're is into bondage too?" asked Tegan

"No," Romana said. "He usually unties it and then pounces on me."

"He does that to me too," Peri said. "One time I had on idea he was behind me until I felt---"

Tegan, Peri, and Romana laughed knowingly.

"Shut up!" Rose yelled. "I'm sick of this! my Doctor is…well he's like my best mate but I haven't done any of this stuff with him, when it comes to sex stuff… he seems more attracted to dead French birds and mahogany walls then he is to me"

"And so distant sometimes, like he's light years away," Tegan said wistfully.

"He's so infuriating and capricious," Peri said.

"He's so…. Odd," Romana said.

" Please, no more stories about Shagging on the control room floor," Rose said.

"Oh, I hate that floor it's so hard," Peri said.

"Me too!" Tegan. "My back's always sore for a week."

"I hate it when K-9 watches and gives advice," Romana said. "As if a robot dog knows anything about sex."

They all stared Romana for minute. Then began to giggle.

"What is so funny?!" Six said.

"Us," Replied Five.

"And how well we perform in bed," Four said.

Six scowled and said: "Mine's bigger then yours. I can remember thinking this is the biggest pri-"

"Really, is that so?" Four said.  
"Don't we have more important things to talk about!" Five said blushing.

"It's not size of the boat it's motion of the ocean," Ten said.

Six sneered. "A small man's excuse."

"Small?" Ten said. "I'll show you small."

Five groaned. "If this keeps up we might as well get out a biscuit. For well… you know…"

"I've got a biscuit," Four said

"Okay," Ten said grabbing at his trousers.

"Alright," Six said reaching for his zip.

"I wasn't being serious!" Five Exclaimed. "we're not going to do this!"

"Chicken!" Taunted Six.

"Ah, here's the biscuit." Four said, pulling it out of one his jacket pockets. "Are we ready to go?"

"I'm not doing this," Five said.

Ten and Six made chicken noises.

Five sighed began to unbutton his trousers. "I just want it known that, I find this very vulgar and juvenile. And I could beat you all at cricket."

Four placed the biscuit on the ground.

Four won and Six had to eat the biscuit.


End file.
